'It'll change your life,' I was informed The day that I acquired a dog. 'Buy a super vacuum cleaner, Pay the vet and start a blog!'
'You'll have to do dog-training classes! Learn to sit; to fetch; say ''Please''. ' We tried it once and it was boring Except - my dog can count to three!
We started classes of our own My dog and I, in our own home The classes all were based on this - 'Do as I say, then have a bone!'
'P/E,' said I (feeling a fool) Every morn' at half past eight The high-jump, starting with a stool Progressing to the garden gate
At ten we did arithmetic The calendar was opened out 'Pay attention little dog - Weekends and holidays don't count!'
In afternoons she'd learn to sit With other people, till she's fed She wags her tail to gain their trust Then she remembers all I've said.
The final lesson took a while But finally she understood 'Is it three days, not counting hols'? Then come and meet me in the wood.'
I've sold her now a dozen times And she's had twelve enormous bones She stays with them three working days The cheque has cleared - then she runs home!
When you are sad, I will dry your tears. When you are scared, I will comfort your fears. When you are worried, I will give you hope. When you are confused, I will help you cope. And when you are lost, And can't see the light. I shall be your beacon Shining ever so bright This is my oath. I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you are my friend.
Take twelve whole months.
Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness,
hate, and jealousy.
Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into twenty-eight, thirty, or
thirty-one different parts,
but don't make up the whole batch at once.
Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day one part of faith,
one part of patience, one part of courage,
and one part of work.
Add to each day one part of hope,
faithfulness, generosity, and kindness.
Blend with one part prayer, one part meditation,
and one good deed.
Season the whole with a dash of good spirits,
a sprinkle of fun, a pinch of play,
and a cup full of good humor.
Pour all of this into a vessel of love.
Cook thoroughly over radiant joy,
garnish with a smile,
and serve with quietness, unselfishness,
and cheerfulness.
You're bound to have a happy new year.
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labour conditions at the North Pole were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their rooftops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now... Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks so
Stupid cupid... stop pickin on me! Be smart, be clever put me in your heart for ever You know it's always business doing pleasure with you! If you throw rice at weddings, should Asians throw hotdogs? I’ve lost my phone number, can I have yours? You may laugh because I'm different; but I laugh because you're all the same I am not guilty, I'm just not innocent! I'm cool, I'm hot....I'm everything you're not! For all you who talk about me, thanks for making ME the center of YOUR world! I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants! If drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question? Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E" She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon When I look into your eyes, I know it's true. God must have spent a little more time on you .... If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friendz? Do a magic trick for me Disappear!
Thank you Penny Plop for sending me this............................
MY JOKE has been shortlisted for the 'Christmas 2005' Funniest Joker Of The Year on the Songfairy's YOU MUST BE JOKING website. Please click on the link below to read the joke and VOTE for me (Joke One)
A Winnipeg man and his wife are listening to the radio one morning when they hear the announcer say.... "Forecasters are calling for 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so snowplows can get through."
The wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they're eating breakfast, the radio announcer reports.... "We're expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so snowplows can get through."
The wife goes out and moves her car again.
The following week, they're eating breakfast and listening to the radio again, and the announcer says.... "Environment Canada is calling for 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park............"
Just then the electricity goes out.
The wife is very upset, and, with a worried look on her face, says to her husband, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street should I park on today so the plows can get through?"
With the love, understanding, and patience in his voice that all men married to blondes soon develop, the husband replies....
"Why don't you just leave your car in the garage this time."
There are witches in my mailbox. What am I to do?
I found them there
this morning, doing things they shouldn't do!!
How the witches got
there, I haven't got a clue.
But they won't be there much longer
because I'm sending them to YOU!!!!!!
You've been Witch Kissed!
Before
the warts begin to spread, pass the kisses on instead!
Strumenti 
....never mind...
Your Logical Intelligence is Genius
Normal enough to know that you're weird...
